Star Wars vii Synopsis - A (Hopefully) Funny Review

Star Wars vii synopsis.

It starts with "the 1st order" which is lead by (Felicity) Snoak, as portrayed by Andy Serkis.  This is easily the weakest part of the movie because Ceasar would have made a far cooler sith lord.

after trashing a town with an Obi Wan Clone we found out the truth about storm troopers: that they are secretly Wayans.

This Wayans trooper, whose has quickly named has decided he doesn't want to be a Wayans anymore, so runs away (and rightly so)

He at least acts way better then Snails from dungeons and dragons the movie, so gold star. :)

after Finn the ex-wayans frees what better be the son of Wedge Antilles, we cut across to the other lead.

A Hunger Games Girl that is known as Rey "Samantha Carter", because heavens forbid we have a flawed female protagonist.

She finds a magic 8 ball droid who changes her fortune.

This is the point where they decided to brighten the screen so we could actually see the action.

After escaping the stormtroopers whom decided to stomp the planet in search of the magic 8 ball droid, our heroes end up on the Macguffian Falcon.

It is pulled in where they meet some old guy and his Mog. Barf has never looked slimmer.

Naturally the old guy is Indiana Jones trying to get some rare specimens back to a museum where he is attacked by rival clans that want the specimens for themselves.

and just like in Indiana Jones, it destroys everybody not worthy.  In this case by eating them.

However Wayan's brand stormtroopers taste bad so it gives enough time for Rey Carter to save the day.

They then go to a generic cantina that is run by a golden girl, either Bea Arthur or Estelle Getty.  She is very easily the best character in the movie.

She tells Rey Carter that she isn't special enough and tries to give her a lightsaber, that causes Rey to run away screaming.

meanwhile we get a flashback to Joseph Goebbels doing a speech before they fire their "new and improved" death star that has blackjack, hookers and can be seen destroying Corescant and several other planets by Han, despite not being in the same solar system.

Finn is smart enough to take the lightsaber when Kylo Zuko forces attacks, where we find out he's a way better son to Indy then Shia Labeuf ever was.

he captures Rey Carter, but the rest of the cast are saved by X-Wings, which, because they are in an atmosphere, you would actually hear all those cool sounds.

They return to the rebel base.  Where we meet Princess Leia who could still rock the slave bikini if she wanted to, but Disney banned it so she wouldn't.  Han and Leia talk about where they went wrong with their son.  

but not before c-3p0 shows off his red right hand. He must have been making deals so I'm looking forward to seeing the results of it in future movies.

They then enter a meeting which has Admiral "its a trap" Akbar and Matt Parkman from Heroes discuss strategy. 

meanwhile Kylo Zuko tries to interrogate Rey Carter, but it doesn't go very well, so he sends Michael J. Caboose from the popular web series Red vs Blue but he lets her go.

Kylo Zuko doesn't take Rey Carter's escape very well, and throws a hissy fit, causing Simmons and Grif to backup down the corner.to be her friend, 

The x-wings attack for a bombing run, but because they had neither Luke nor Wedge leading the attack, they weren't very important.

Han tries to appeal to Kylo Zuko by saying he's a better actor then Shia, but gets cut down because Kylo Zuko felt like he was being mocked.

Barf takes offence and shoots him right in the side and then hits the explosives that he and Indy setup.

We then end up in British Columbia where it is snowing, where Finn does his best effort to actually succeed at something, but fails, just like in the rest of the movie.

so we take a page out of Lady Snowblood and have an epic fight that shows you really don't need training, just to believe.  

So remember that the next time you join a cult. 

They return back to hug Princess Leia, when r2d2 comes out of his a coma.  The truth is he was just tired of listening to c-3p0.

They then fly to the rocky shores of Ireland where Luke Skywalker gives us the "how far do I have to go before people get the message" stare and the episode ends.

In short

I loved it. :D.

Aquaman - Some thoughts

Some thoughts

1. I stand by my comments that Cthuhlu (or a copyrighted DC equivalent)is Aquaman's beer buddy/nemesis. it also explains the star spawn we saw in young justice in a child exchange program not unlike the new gods.
It's easy to punch the big bad, but having a rival lovecraftean kingdom under the sea that he has to politic, rather then war with doubles the potential. So instead of ruling the 7th season, it's more 3.5 with the star spawned underworld as a rogues gallery for contention.

2. Honestly, Aquaman's Trident needs to be on the same level as Thor's hammer in regard to its usefulness. I absolutely love his powerset in injustice: gods amongst us and the ability to stick a trident through a portal to attack from a bizarre angle just improved the character's combat set considerably.

3. Pacific Rim lays down a concept that has serious potential in an aquaman comics. Open a portal and have monsters flood in that only the king of Atlantis can stop.

4. Atlantis is known for it's technowizardry and while i'm not sure how much Arthur actually knows, he should know the basics and have the equivalent of a few "emergency items" when his fantastic physical skills fail him. Tsunami bombs anyone!

5. Setup a series of undersea bases that are top of the line and may one day be a threat to Arthur's rule, but they are settlers that really just want to live in peace. Take Sealab and play it straight. This is also a place where Black Mantra has diplomatic immunity and would cause an international event, if Arthur pulled out the big guns.

6. With the deadening of the seas, build new monsters. Take the nestine consciousness and base it on the Great Pacific garbage patch as it has been animated by microscopic creatures to become a threat all it's own. Mutate jellyfish as some sort of natural eldrich horror that is immortal, which may or may not have have help from Cthuhlu's forces.

7. The abyss is a cold dark forbidden place that is just perfect for more horror orientated stories and one theory that keeps being kicked around is that there is an entire subaquatic cave complex even below that. What's in the depths that even Atlantis fears to tread? Let the writer's decide. C

8. Are whales and dolphin's intelligent life? If so, they might not be fans. What if an experienced Orca learns technowizardry and thinks Atlantis has been sitting around while his people gets kidnapped by surface dwellers and raises an "Armageddon pod" that raids the seas for equipment and supplies to wage war against them. They are known as the seawolves of the sea for a reason and if they built "walkers" they might have a fighting chance.

There's a ton that can be done to make things interesting and just throwing this out changes could give a ton of stuff to work with.

Dungeons and Dragons 3rd edition - What math I have found.

I like finding the spine for game design before I begin.

I had to do a ton of studies and the best material I found for finding the spine is:

Trailblazer (for the pc math)
A magical society beast builder (for the monster math)


Additionally I found the following for equations (rtf download)
Math for 3.5 dnd 

Christmas Villains - the 12 Days Gang

#christmas

Done in the manner of the royal flush gang in dc universe, I present the 12 days gang .

• Partridge: Commander and master of plant control; rarely seen without it's walking pear tree.
• Turtle Dove: the face of the group and master of vibrokinetic waves (uses these to influence both reactions of people and to strike them down).
• La Hen: the muscle, turns from an ordinary chicken to a feathered carnasaur
• The Caller: Give the power of preacher: one word commands.
• Golden Ringer: Think Gold Balls from the xmen. Able to generate solid gold rings that can expand and contract on command. master at ring toss.
• Geese "Laurel": master of akiddo, low level telepathy allows them to predict enemies moves to automatically counter.
• Swan the swimmer: Hydrokinetic hottie that carries a surf board.
• The Dancer: Able to open the dimensional portals with a jaunty jig. He also wields the christmas sword as seen in narnia
• The Leaper: Think bactroc, but more festive. he uses a lasso to tie up his enemies.
• The Piper: Summoner of animals, particularly rats. Arch Enemy of squirrel girl.
• The Drummer of doom: can use their drums to control the earth itself and lay down the smackdown

Why Thor has a great rogues gallery.

Thor hands down has one of the best rogues gallery overall.

EARTH: Red Hulk, Wrecking crew, Absorbing Man

9 REALMS: Loki, Enchantress, Skurge, Surtur, Malekith, Ulik, Frost giants, Hela, the midguard serpent.

UNIVERSE/COSMIC: Galactus, Heralds, Kree, Skrulls, Celestials, Ego, Gorr

hell, his rivalry with Hercules and Hulk could be considered something similar.

more importantly, you can draw heavily from nordic mythology and your dnd campaign for new material.

and often Thor's villains become Avenger's villains so it's a gift that keeps on giving.

Dungeons and Dragons 5e - What I want from previous editions.

#5e

New classes

Alchemist: The Pathfinder Alchemist is a work of art, and would love a 5e equivalent, with a degree of versatility. I can see it fulfilling the herb healer that isn't channelling magical energies, the bomb throwing anarchist, and the Jekyll/Hyde potion drinker with ease.

The Artificer is another class I'd love refined and presented as an effective pc class. This is the class that I didn't like in 4e, but darmed if I know how best to do it for 5e. 3rd made it a prep guy, but that's kind of boring.

Book of 9 swords was a response for the broken spellcasters in 3rd. I'm not saying no, but show me the need for them.

Divine Classes: I am completely convinced that a balance between the 4e divine classes (Avengers, Cleric, Invoker, Paladin) and 2e Forgotten Realms speciality priests would create the perfect system for belief based classes. 
I'd love it as a separate book, because honestly, clerics feel generic.

Tinkerer: I have a soft spot for a tech guy in a magic world. Hell I wrote a Artifex for palladium a while back that shows the raw potential of the concept. I ran a 2e Gnome Professor through expedition to the barrier peaks and it was awesome. Most likely this could be a reskinning of the artificer. 

Truenamer is one of those ones I really don't have an opinion on, but am curious to see what comes out because of it.

Magic of Incarum classes need to be sold to me. I had trouble wrapping my head around the concept and maybe an explanation would get me on the side.

Psionics I want only because it's involves my favorite villains: illithids. I have yet to be impressed by any psychic system, but 4e came the closest. If you want to know what I want in a level based psychic system, check out my free download Dark Revelations book of arrogance. 

-> I'd be okay with an ardent (aka psychic telepathy/tk person), eruptor (kinesis expert), and psychic warrior (bio-physiology and psychic weapons, whether ectoplasm or force energy based), split of the powers though.

Runesmith - really not sure, but won't say no.

Shapeshifter: We already have one, but I've been convinced for a long time, shapeshifting should have been it's own class.

Warlord: I've said my piece on Warlord on another post. if you want my opinion, read that. In short, I'm pro warlord (or for those that are terrified by the very name as an afront to your belief system, a Mundane Bonus Booster (MBB). )

As Sub Classes/Paths:

Acrobat/Jongleur: I'd love a really solid acrobat subclass of the bard/monk or thief. I blame a certain fury bikini on that one. .
I also think the following for the rogue makes sense: scout, shadow creeper, swashbuckler (to simulate everything from pirates to agile swordspeople) 

Bounty hunter: probably a ranger or rogue subclass, but there may already be something out there.

Cavilier: this one I'm very much on the fence on. I think it's best to be either a fighter or MBB path, but opened to negotiations. 

Charlatan: very much a sucker for this concept and it makes a great bard sub class

Greenwood Ranger: tree symbiote - oh heck ya. 

Hivemaster: bug druid - oh heck ya

Jester: agree heavily this is a bard subclass.

Riddlemaster: this so needs to be a bard subclass yesterday.

Shadowmancer: should be sorcerer or warlock path. It's a great concept, but it's more a power source then a class.

Sha'ir: good gravy man - I want this one bad. Most likely a sorcerer or warlock subclass.

Swordmage: The 4e Swordmage is the single best gish in dnd, bar none. Because it's built as it's own class, it has it's own feel. I don't know if it's needed with the Eldrtich knight subclass, but maybe it can be modified to better match it.

Spellfire Wielder: some sort of reskinned sorcerer could have potential if balanced with other classes.

Warden: The Warden would make an awesome subclass for the Ranger, emphasizing the magical abilities. Same with the Seeker. IMO The magic-less ranger should be the base class and the others variants (because Robin of Locksley is the base that all other rangers are based on)

One Last Thing

I did a design challenge to build a spellcaster with rules as simplified as the champion fighter archtype on rpg.net, and providing a link with the results.

I think some of you will enjoy it. 
 
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?768690-design-challenge-build-a-spellcaster-with-rules-as-simplified-as-the-champion-fighter-archtype